What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
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I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
This is sending me to another galaxy
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.