I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
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I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I didn鈥檛 know any of my neighbor鈥檚 names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo鈥檚 mom, Phoebe鈥檚 dad, Max鈥檚 mom and Bo鈥檚 parents
doing your own taxes
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They鈥檙e necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
me: THAT鈥橲 IT YOU鈥橰E GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 馃槈
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I鈥檝e been saving mice elf for marriage
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Mom I wouldn鈥檛 be invited to jump off the bridge
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
As a scarecrow, people say I鈥檓 outstanding in my field. But hay, it鈥檚 in my jeans.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I鈥檝e been using special shampoo and I鈥檝e noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that鈥檚 not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!