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Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only