I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
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Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Straight people are cancelled
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.