Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
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All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
The best plant holders?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.