Wasps: bees, but not helping
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[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.