I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?