My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
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My Guy
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
i meant to share this earlier
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Great Canadian literature.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…