My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
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I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends