Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
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me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year