Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire