At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
You Might Also Like
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
felt that
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Kids: Stay in school.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!