Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
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You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
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Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
When you let grandma cat sit
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.