They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
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*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?