Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
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John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Botany good plants lately?
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
This 4th of July, please remember…