The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
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An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.