The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
You Might Also Like
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Hey i am sexy to you now
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not