As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
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kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed