My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
You Might Also Like
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
The internet is full of many things
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.