Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
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During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.