I think my husband is beginning to suspect
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So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother