Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
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You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I identify as an antique shop.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.