I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
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Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”