I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
You Might Also Like
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Found my door mat
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
When someone says you are so lazy