The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 馃え
You Might Also Like
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
The Shining is on…
…can鈥檛 decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Bartender: what鈥檒l it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don鈥檛 know yet
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Friend: I don鈥檛 have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I鈥檓 getting
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma鈥檃m, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn鈥檛 you bring a dog to an interview?
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
cat vs inanimate object
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll鈥檚 riddle being played in reverse
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what