Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
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Taco Bell, Exit 22
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov