I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
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The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
How do horror writers compete with current events?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.