lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
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Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.