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Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Spotted in New Orleans.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.