That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
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hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?