The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
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boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.