Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
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It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
This could be us but you eatin’
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.