I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
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I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me