I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
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8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
accurate
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?