I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
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date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Have kids, they said
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance