him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
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[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
dutch so unserious
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.