Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
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Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
this is the news I live for
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Every work meeting this week
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.