My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
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Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok