[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
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Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent