i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
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One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Chemical wingman
how do y’all walk in shallow water
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Does your wife know you’re single?
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.