Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
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I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you