[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
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Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.