911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
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be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.