Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
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My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
They’re called werewolves.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”