Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT