I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
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I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts