Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
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I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!