My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
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I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Dishonest mechanic?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.