When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
You Might Also Like
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.