well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
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I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I don’t make the rules sorry
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies